dec 12th - (my 50th post!!!) the perfect tree....as told through pictures

dec 5th - my special date

friday nite was supposed to be family nite....but by the time evening came 2 out of the 4 made other plans. that left just me and my youngest to hang out together.

we started our evening with a cub scout event. all the scouts brought gifts and made cards that will be delivered to the children with cancer in the hospital.

afterwards we hit the village for some pancakes for dinner. as we walked out of the diner we spotted a huge tree lit up with large beautiful bulbs. we ran across the street to see it.

and stand under it

and look up into it

then i was told we just had to take a picture of it

but my camera was in the car.

so i was told we needed to go get it and come back.

so we did

and it was worth it

by now the shops were closed

that is all except one

we went inside and looked around

and got to talk to the owners

and hear their story

i was told i absolutely needed to buy this really cool windmill for $180

that didn't happen.

tis the season for magic..........

italian belief - part 1: Mal occhio (the evil eye)

there are headaches - and then there are HEADACHES...the ones that just don't seem to go away regardless of what you do or what otc med you take. whenever we have one of those that don't go away - we ask mom mom to do "the mal occhio".

for as long as i can remember - i have believed in the mal occhio. i knew it was a really strong headache that you would get because someone was envious of you or admired you or just thought you looked so darn pretty that day. my mother would do her thing and poof it was gone. it wasn't strange at all - it was what it was. in fact - if you happened to think someone looked really pretty you would often say "i don't want to give you the mal occhio - but you look soo beautiful today!".

as i grew up and friends came over - i would get a kick out of them witnessing this ritual. it wasn't scary - maybe because we were so non chalant about it - but it was weird. i remember how surprised i was when one of my boyfriends not only believed it (he wasn't 1st generation american like i was) but practiced it in his family - and in english! i wanted to learn how to remove the mal occhio but he told me you could only learn on christmas eve at midnight......you know i have no idea whether that is true or not and come to think of it - i actually never even asked my mother if that was right! i guess b/c she is still around to do it i didn't feel the urgency to learn. we haven't done it a lot recently because there has been no need (maybe we get uglier as we age LOL) and if i do have it i just tell my mom - matter of factly - to remove it and its gone.

anyway - the other day my son was complaining about his headache - one that didn't seem to go away. because he has been sick i just assumed it was that or possibly dehydration...but then it occured to me maybe it was the mal occhio. we happened to be at mom mom's so i figured it would be great for the kids (my niece and nephew were there too) to finally witness this huge part of our italian culture.

REMOVING THE MAL OCCHIO

first pull out the biggest knife in the house. i wish i had my camera to capture the look of shock on his face when mom mom first went towards him with it! she says her little mantra - makes the sign of the cross 3x and repeats that - i think 7 x. if she yawns while she says her mantra - that is a sure sign of the mal occhio. i used to love to wait for the yawn!

next she pulls out a plate of water and repeats the process over it.


now she grabs some olive oil and drops 3 drops over the water. the first one just explodes and vanishes. the other 2 stay put and form the "eyes" that have supposedly given you the headache.

finally she takes the water - rubs some across your lips then yanks your bangs. i'm not sure if that is a necessary part of the ritual but it was funny to hear the person yelp from the yanking! as a child i'd squeeze my lips shut so i couldn't taste the olive oil and brace myself for the bang pull - such a fun memory!

this morning i decided to do a little research on this custom so see what it was about. it was interesting to see the slight difference between what my mother does and what the universal belief is. i assume each region of italy had its variations. the part about the amulet stood out the most for me because i remember once - at around 9 years old - i was helping my mom make the bed and we had to flip the mattress. when we flipped mine there was little red pouch pinned underneath mine. when i asked her about it she said that when i was a little baby i cried constantly...so much so that my mother asked her mother what to do. my grandmother had her send my onesie to italy where my grandmother brought it too the local "witch" who made this amulet for me. my mom swears that once she pinned it to my bed i stopped crying............

so - do i believe in the mal occhio?

as an educated adult i can see the science/psychology behind why it would work. if you believe your headache will go away - it will. the first drop of olive oil that hits the water spreads and forms a skin over the water that prevents the other drops from spreading too - causing them to stay put and form eyes.............

yet - when i have a headache that just won't go away - or just feels different - i go right to my mom to remove it. so do my non-italian family members.

but mainly i don't want to give this up. like i mentioned in this post i love being part of a family the is still so deeply immersed in its traditions and beliefs. as each generation passes the richness of the culture will become watered down versions of what they once were. i feel a strong responsibility to keep some of these traditions alive for my boys and their future families....and it is easy for me to keep the traditions alive because i am still deeply surrounded by it myself! but what happens once i am gone?

who knows that will happen then - but i know that until that time comes i am going to make sure i do whatever i can to make sure the boys are fully immersed in those beliefs and traditions. as for me? like the secret language i cherish - i am going to remain fully present and appreciative of the gift i've been given - the gift of a rich culture and a family still deeply rooted in its beauty.

pushing past the hard........

i am in a situation that i am unsure how to handle - or rather i don't know if i handled it correctly.

my son is 10 and is beginning the process to receive confirmation. he is supposed to go to a retreat tonite for all the confirmands. he came home from school adamant about not going. i told him it was mandatory. he continued to insist he wasn't going. i tried to reason with him - telling him that confirmation is about growing up and making hard adult decisions. if he really can't make this decision then he isn't' ready for confirmation. he flipped about that and said he is ready - he just doesn't want to go to this retreat. i asked him why the change b/c he was really excited about going when i first told him about it. his reason? he doesn't know anybody and it looks boring and its hard. i told him he has no problem meeting people and the purpose of this is getting to know the kids he'll spend 3 years with and that he does know them b/c they've been in his sunday school class forever. and plus the acitivites planned are fun!..............therefore that isn't a strong enough reason to back out. he wasn't changing his mind.

so i explained to him that once you start not doing something b/c its "hard" then it will get easier and easier to not do something simply b/c its hard. and that if he chooses to become that person that is fine - b/c there are millions of people out there who live their lives like that....and they are fine. but the people who succeed are those that push past the "hard".

i reminded him that it doesn't matter what person he becomes b/c we'll love and support him no matter what.

now here is the deal......

he is only 10 and much too young to know the type of person he'll be and he is too young to be expected to choose the type of person he'll become............i think

he has already quit baseball b/c it was hard - and now he wants to not do this b/c its hard........and the pattern worries me.

but again - he is only 10.............

i don't want him to quit and keep quitting...but is it too early to make that type of judgement? by quitting this - will that make him a quitter?

most importantly, i don't' want to guilt him into thinking he should be a person who doesn't quit.......b/c so what if he is......i am

yet at 41 i am constantly trying to NOT be that person............and you know parents want kids to learn from their mistakes!!!

sigh..............

so i have had my say with him. he is at soccer practice now. i am just letting it go now and not saying anything more unless he wants to talk more about it.

through all of this though i am grateful. i am blessed to have a mature (sometimes too mature) son for his age - someone i can talk to and reason with and know that he is understanding my point of view.....even when he doesn't agree with it. i am so grateful that i "have him" for 8 more years under my wing so we can continue to have these discussions....of course i hope he'll always come to me to discuss situations - but for now i know he'll be around awhile longer........

i know i don't have alot of followers - but if you are reading this - what is your advice/opinion...to me?

trail magic

there is no denying the magic of trails. if you have ever biked or hiked or ran or simply walked on a trail you know what i mean. it is the best form of meditation i know - clearing the mind and soothing the soul within minutes of hitting the dirt. i enjoy the different types of people on the trails - old retired couples, young moms with their children, dog walkers, horse riders, runners........all happy and smiling and eager to say hello as you pass. i am very lucky to have some beautiful trails in my surrounding area....and i've been taking advantage of them this week during my struggle to adjust to back to school season. as an added bonus the air has be crisp and the sun has been shining (well most days) ....making my trips that much better. the trails this week have truly saved me from further spiraling downward into this rut. now, while the alone time was nice and needed and greatly appreciated - it reminded me of and made me long for another thing that makes trails special...sharing them with others.

a year ago around this time my husband lost his job. budget cuts forced the university to close his department. as expected he was a mess. what helped him get through this time was a healthy dose of trail magic..........

together we would drop the kids off school and hit the trails on our bikes. those mornings were the best mornings we have ever had. not only did it clear his head and keep him focused on finding another job.......it strengthened our relationship. we laughed and talked and had alot of fun with just each other. it was a wonderful time that i cherish. he did eventually find another job and just like that - our morning rides were over.

once spring came we started up again - this time with the kids in tow. the magic is still there and even though at times its harder to feel through the whining and complaining....you push through having faith that eventually they will also feel the magic of the trails and be drawn there when they need to regroup and recharge.....and rejoice when your child turns to you and comments on the smell of the trail..........knowing it is all worth it.

before i pick up the kids from school today i am hitting the trails again...this time on foot. the sun is not shining - in fact its kinda gloomy - but it doesn't matter. i need to be with my thoughts more than i need to be with the scenery. i need the magic. i need to keep working on me in order to be there for my family.

this weekend will be beautiful and we have been talking about a family bike ride on saturday. i am sure i won't have time to be with my thoughts but that is ok. i'll have my family around me. the peace may not be there - and i'm pretty sure the quiet wont be there either. but one thing you can always count on will be there.....and that's magic.

finding my rhythm........

appears to be quite challenging for me this back to school season.

i like to ease into my mornings - wake up, have some coffee, putz around.....preferably without talking to anyone. its not that i'm not a morning person -because i really do love the early morning peace and quiet....its just that i am not a "jump out of bed and greet the morning singing" type of morning person. luckily i've been blessed with 2 boys who enjoy sleeping in - and if they do wake up early - they enjoy either snuggling in bed with me or going downstairs to quietly do something by themselves. therefore summers are the perfect season for us.

but then sometimes its not.............with the freedom of summer days comes the lack of a routine - which i don't really like...maybe not so much a strict routine - but a plan for my day. sure we had daily plans and activities that we did but nothing set in stone. i could easily make plans for the playground or a hike - but if we ended up waking up late or just didn't feel like doing it - we didn't do it.

when september comes i am thrilled! the month starts off with my birthday. there is a change in the air - chilly nites leading into crisp mornings. new smells appear - small hints of autumn...and then of course comes routine and commitments and new demands. its back to school time.

we have to get up by a certain time. i have to make breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks (which is different then the usual summer eat whenever style we have). there are after school activities and homework and papers and and and...........

i am generally an organized person - when i get a system set up - it works. but i also get easily overwhelmed...which leads me to shut down. that is where i found myself these past couple of weeks....to go from no routine to a full blown one is tough for me. i need to ease into my seasons...just as nature eases into its seasons. when a cloudless warm sunny day subtly transitions into a clear shawl wearing nite....it is good. just as when a family day of of slow but steady movements transitions into a nite of peace and calm.......it is good. but when systems collide - storms rage......that has been me lately....and the need to focus on everyone else -while ignoring my own needs - makes it worse.

my shutting down for a bit - while not so good for the family (or the house which is pretty messy right now) - is very good for me. it has forced me to reprioritize and regroup. i've eliminated unnecessary distractions and refocused on necessary ones. i am tweaking old ideas and making them relevant to now. i am planning. it is good.

i like rhythm. i like movement. i like balance. i am getting there.

sometimes it's best to ignore the big picture and a birthday wish for me

when day to day life gets rough - when the kids are too much or the bills are too high - when gossip is hurtful and anxieties are high....the advice most often given is to not sweat the small stuff.......don't focus on tiny problems - ignore the minor irritations......it doesn't mean anything in the whole scheme of things. most times that is exactly what one needs to hear...it is just enough to get through the problem and move forward.........

over the years i've gotten pretty good at looking at the big picture. i've been able to ignore the gossip and avoid the drama....all the while knowing that the friendships that remain are the ones worth keeping. i can endure the growing pains associated w/being a child b/c i see the wonderful, independent adults they will become. i accept the day to day "failures" as a woman, mother, wife...b/c i believe that the person who will emerge is stronger than the person who entered the journey.

but lately i've noticed that in my desire to rise above - i have been overlooking what's below - the here and now.....in an effort to see the big picture - i've ignored the little things.

today is my birthday. every birthday i make a list of resolutions for myself....things i'd like to accomplish in the upcoming year....physically, mentally and spiritually. this year however - i am stuck. i can't seem to figure out what i want to focus on. now, i'm not saying i'm perfect and therefore have nothing to improve. its different. its like i don't have the desire to plan ahead to the person i want to be. instead, i want to appreciate the person i am today.

recently, i took a walk around my backyard. it is huge, weedy, neglected mess. pennsylvania has had rain - tons of rain - for most of the summer. add to that a summer filled with trips to the beach and the mountains - camping weekends - biking........and well you can imagine what the yard looks like. the pavers of my patio are filled with weeds (oh and basil which is kinda cool LOL)......the perennials are overgrown and leggy. the veggie garden......lets just say i've been getting my bounty from the local farmer's market weekly. so...... i went inside and grabbed my camera. i made the effort to overlook the mess...and focused on the little things instead. it took no time before i realized that my garden - was in fact - amazing. flowers were blooming on the vines that climbed above the weeds. butterflies had found the bushes i planted just for them. eggplants (ok - maybe it was just one) had grown and provided at least one meal for the family.

then i thought about my life - when i take the time to notice the small stuff - i find i have a greater appreciation for the big picture.......when the boys squabble - they are simply defining their place in society and what a better place to do that then in a safe environment where they are free to rise and fall and reestablish! when i stop to capture a snapshot - physically w/a camera or mentally w/an image - i am creating a memory that is crisp and clear and more powerful of a time or situation - then if i just sorta noticed and vaguely remembered a time shot through the fuzzy lens of someone in a rush to see the future while ignoring the present........

so what is my birthday wish? continue in the present...take the snapshots...make the memories crisper.......that is the greatest gift i can give myself.

one year ago............omega

i am cheating with my blog post today. i have decided to simply cut and paste an email i sent to my friend last year around this time. i was turning forty and the only thing i wanted for my birthday was a weekend away - alone - for the first time EVER in my life. the place i chose to spend my weekend was the omega institute in upstate new york. the experience for me was powerful and amazing and everything i had hoped it would be. i have saved this email in my draft folder for a whole year - all the while afraid that one day it would be lost. i am happy that now it won't be lost.

original email written sept 8th, 2008.

ok - this was a truly amazing weekend.......i will give you the info in painstaken detail......

basically i had workshops friday nite - sat and sunday morning. when i didn't have class i was free to do whatever i wanted - and take any of the optional classes like yoga, tai chi or dance/movement. so when i got there friday i was having the hardest time relaxing - i thought that once i drove away from home - and had all this time to myself - i would just melt into this state of bliss....but i just didn't get that sense at all. in fact it was the opposite. i wasn't feeling guilty about leaving or anything like that - i don't know what i was feeling. so then i was mad about that - and anxious - like i had wasted all this money and it wasn't what i had hoped it would be b/c why wasn't i feeling light and stressfree???......







i had time before dinner on the first night so i went down to the lake and walked around (you can take out boats or lie on the hammocks or swim....whatever you want to do) nothing - still tense - i felt stagnant and i decided i needed to get some energy work done - there was nothing available all weekend. i wrote a bit in my journal but even that was hard - it was choppy and angry. i tried "meditating" so i sat quietly and still nothing...i realized that all the times i was home and thought i was "relaxing" in fact i really wasn't...i was just not doing the housework or thinking ab0ut doing the housework.......it was just a state of "not doing" the chores i "had" to do...kwim? i thought i was relaxed simply b/c i wasn't annoyed or overwelmed with some chore!! it wasn't until i got there and had absolutely no agenda - no housework - no chores - no planning.......did i realize i don't truly relax........then i got all tense again b/c i made this realization (probably just the emotions bubbling up about it LOL)

so i go to dinner and just wanted to be alone - not talk to anyone.......but of course people talk to you so i was polite but i just wanted to be alone. i was getting annoyed - like shut the fuck up....i was even writing and looking purposefully unavailable.....but nope they still talked LOL...i didn't linger long at the tables......lol

there was orientation at 7:30 then class started at 8-10. we were all sitting in a half circle - in these chairs.. ...and i felt so confined - being so close to these people. now i'm not shy but i felt trapped........told the guy next to me and we both asked the leaders if we could just sit on the floor.......and we all did. anyway - they start class and i realize it is all about living green and helping the environment.........now i am REALLY annoyed and tense b/c had i known that was what this weekend was all about i would not have signed up for it!!!........it was pretty basic stuff too.......like using cloth instead of paper towels and not using plastic bottles.....meanwhile i have my KK bottle in hand (and a huge part of the "info" was about using klean kanteens! .......so my stress was getting higher!!! i mean i was really pissed b/c this was granola 101 and i've graduated from that program years ago!!!!!! but i decided that i would just be open and maybe i'd learn something new......oh and it is HOT - every building is stifling - my room was hot - i was just sweating and sweating....it was so stuffy.........after class i walk around a bit - go to the cafe and bookstore - library...stuff like that. then go to bed and that's that.

oh - i had this bloated - full feeling in my stomach.....just felt soooooo stuck....like a boulder was in my gut.....it wasn't food so much - just a huge knot of tension..............i guess

saturday - i get up early to take a tai chi class. i don't know what was wrong with me but we start and the god awful heat of the day (even though it was only 7am!) - plus the stifling room - i almost faint and have to leave............so i'm pissed........i go to breakfast - again get stuck with people who want to talk.......go to class.....things start to look up - besides being taught MORE info i already know plus a plug from both leaders about other workshops/lectures/cds they have (roll eyes)......we do an hour of yoga and relaxation - that was great and finally started to loosen me up.....i go to lunch - start actually talking a bit - then decide to go exploring more.


i hit the sanctuary (which is a beautiful place up a steep hill...there are stone steps and different levels of ponds and water features and buddha statues......the inside of the sanctuary is filled with different cushions and chairs and an alter in the front....this is where you go to just sit and meditate) i am tense in the sanctuary b/c i just don't know how to meditate and i am frustrated! i kinda sit and just slump - pretending to know what i am doing. i am also mad at myself b/c i am sitting there thinking "i wonder if anyone will walk in and see me meditating! i am sooo cool!!".......and that side of me is soooo frustrating......i then go to the lake and lie on a hammock to read and write and draw.......and it starts to rain..........and it doesnt stop the whole day and nite LOL.......i just walked and walked in the rain. i really enjoyed that b/c i never get to just walk in the rain.....usually i have the boys and they are running for cover - or everyone is just running to avoid getting wet......i just let myself walk slowly in the rain.......and let me tell you i was literally soaked. i mean it was HOURS of walking outside in the rain (the place is set up like a college campus) i would get into a building to dry off for a second - just to walk out and be drenced again - it was pouring!!!

so i have our afternoon session and suddenly things started to get better - we had the same lame info - but we did a movement/dance part and i was blown away. literally it is just putting music on and letting yourself go - close your eyes and who cares what others think...just feeling the music and moving to it. i loved it so much that when the workshop ended for the nite i stayed to take an actual dance/movement class and THAT was an unbelievable experience. the music was LOUD - the lights were off - it was HOT in the building - the windows were open with the sound of rain pounding - i was sweating - my hair was soaked.....and i was moving - it was not a "taught" class - it was just a loosely "guided" class - the music was eclectic - from all around the world and different speeds and there was tribal music and we were yelling and stomping and pounding and the energy was out of this world........that class really made me realize how important music and feeling the music is to me - and how i have totally stifled myself over the years - always holding back b/c i felt fat and heavy and awkward......but this was freeing!!! i remember thinking that i was soo glad i was alone b/c i don't know if i could have been that free with friends around....kwim? noone knew me and they only saw the passion and the freedom.......they didn't care that i didn't look or move like a "trained" dancer - they only saw and felt the energy of my dancing.

then i went to dinner - and this time i talked to people too!! i didn't leave early or look unavailable.....i was open!! and i was drenched from the rain !!! and i met some pretty incredible people.

that nite there was a concert at 8pm.... www.soulfege.com ...they call themselves afropolitan - they are reggae, hip-hop, rap.......but they rocked the place! i was still on my high from the movement class and just danced without any inhibition!!! but i had to leave at 8:30 to have my aura photographed but thank god it only took 25 minutes and i was back to rocking at the concert. oh - the aura thing was so neat - she analyzed it and a bunch of stuff really stood out as being true or being things i had heard about myself before...but one was my need to be acknowledged and be paid attention too...and it wasn't a positive thing...and how when meditating i wanted to be noticed meditating........kwim?? i knew that side of me before and i knew i wanted to work on it but then to see it in my aura floored me......but the good thing was that my aura also showed my currently trying to heal myself and how it was a positive experience.....again that fits totally with my needing to soul search and my going to omega etc........afterwards i went to the cafe-bookstore again - had an icecream and went to bed......again - i was so absolutely soaked to my core that i just wanted a shower and dry clothes and that was it

sunday morning i took a yoga class down by the river.........the leader was amazing. it was a very moving experience - it just reminded me of how much i loved taking yoga before i had kids.....i've done videos here and there since then and tried other stuff like pilates........but nothing compares to yoga....b/c its just not the physical part of it...it was like my entire spirit and soul was reminded of how young and free i am (or can be!) regardless of what my age and body say........i need to do it more - but where? when? ugh......

by this time the heaviness in the pit of my stomach is gone - i am much looser and relaxed and am finally enjoying conversations with people again.........so i go to breakfast - the thought that i wasted all this money on workshops telling me shit i already know is still lingering in the back of my mind........i was loving the extra non-workshop stuff - like the yoga and dance/movement etc....but the workshop info....no.......and of course i talk to someone at breakfast that said i could have switched to another workshop (i didn't know that!!) and that i should just go to another class that day (my last day) but i felt compelled to go to my last class.........and thank god i did b/c it was all about meditation! we meditated all morning - trying new techniques and finding what was the best way for me - we talked about setting up a meditation space - we did a walking meditation up the sanctuary - meditated in there just for a few minutes - then did a different ki nd walking back.......we learned breathing techniques to relax us and to rejuvenate and wake us up........i was sooo thankful i stuck it out..........i literally floated out of there to lunch - and then went home. i had music blaring (soulfege cd i bought and angelique kidjo who is amazing) - i was floating from the weekend and the experience! i didn't even care that my gps led me through new york city to come home! LOL

it was just the experience i wanted!!! i went through this type of soul searching when i turned 30. i thought i still was at the place i was then - when i felt so light and free afterwards. i was so wrong. this place/experience just reminded me of how wonderful i felt before and how its a life long process that needs to be nurtured all the time.......i am just not waiting 10 years again to do it.............

and there it is. this past weekend i found myself driving in the car to our mountain home and had soulfege playing in the car - and immediately i was transported back to omega. that is when i decided to write this post...i needed to remember - to be transported back to this place.


i turn 41 on thursday. i told my husband this past weekend that i want to make omega an every 5 year experience. i need that experience to remind me that growing and soul searching is not something that is done once in a lifetime - but that it is on-going and important and needs to be made a priority in my life....i am grateful that i had that experience a year ago...and that the lessons i've learned that weekend - i am still learning from today...........

more than just tomatoes...........

ever since i was a little girl i remember the end of august was the time my parents made the trip to jersey to get baskets of tomatoes for canning. my mom would come home - a couple of her cousins would come over - and they would start their day and the long hot process of washing, cooking and canning.......

i used to love her set up. 30 years ago it was a simple one....a couple of pots on the stove only large enough to cook the tomatoes in small batches.......a simple hand cranked machine bolted to a table used to separate the seeds and skin from the sauce...aprons and head scarves to keep our clothes clean and our hair on our heads. all the work was done inside our basement - and for days the smell of cooked tomatoes would linger in our homes, our hair, our clothes.

the set up has evolved over the years. the simple hand crank was replaced with a motorized version - perfect for not only cutting canning time in half but also for increasing the chances of being hit with scalding hot splats of sauce....which i quickly got used to and accepted as something that just came with the job.

commercial sized pots and propane burners replaced the stovetop - an outside sink was added that allowed us to move the whole, messy process outside.

as i grew, my duties changed over the years. at first it was my job to switch out the scraps bucket as it filled - a bucket full of skins and seeds that was dumped into the chicken coop - a special yearly treat for them. as i got older i was allowed to scrape the pulp from the strainer as the sauce poured into the pots. this may sound simple - but it was tricky. i had to be quick and out of the way - careful not to disturb the rhythm of the older women who were very busy scooping and straining and filling jars. i remember being so proud of the year i was allowed to ladle the cooked tomatoes from the pots on the stove and carefully maneuver them into the wide mouth of the funnel with one hand - while using my free hand to plunge them deep into the strainer hole with the wooden mallet.

right around the time i reached this milestone - i also reached another one.......i became a teenager........and the idea of spending hours with my mother, performing a duty i thought was stupid and old fashioned was not my idea of fun...........so i made myself unavailable..........for years.......

eventually i got married, had a family and began helping again....this time with a new appreciation for this age old process. at 30 i was "old enough" to do it all - cook, scoop, scrape and...gasp...handle the hot jars filled with sauce.

as the amount of baskets decreased, the amount of people helping did as well. soon it was just me and my mom....alone. i performed my duties grudgingly...she needed help and it was my responsibility to help her. our relationship was strained - well, my relationship with her was strained. i spent most of my life hating her. i couldn't understand her - didn't want to understand her struggles, her life. i didn't think she was wise and strong....i thought she was weak and stupid........

then things changed - *i* changed. i started to see her for the woman she was - the young immigrant woman who left her country with the man she married...a woman who raised 2 young children in a country where she couldn't speak the language. she had strength and wisdom. she was my mother.

the past couple of years i have looked forward to the canning season. it is no longer a duty but instead one i cherish. a time i know will one day be taken away from me. my mother shares stories about her relationship with her mother. we exchange wisdoms - one filled with life experience - the other with new.

this year we only canned 65 jars. by the time i got to her house to help she was half way done them. i only had a few hours of our precious time together and i was surprised at how disappointed i was about that. although we see each other a lot we are rarely alone together. next year, however, i will plan ahead - i will get up early and meet her in the early hours of the day. our time together is about more than just tomatoes...and i will do whatever it takes to "can" those moments so i can keep them forever in my heart.