i forget.....

i forget what it is like to be thin........

its been about 12 years since i've been thin.  i gained weight with my first son and since then have gone up and down on the scale...finally stopping on up.  i know what i have to do - i know there are no magic cures. i used to make myself feel better by telling myself that i am heavy yes - but i am not THAT heavy.  there are heavier people than me in this world - i know that - and really weight isn't the issue here.  its self image.  as long as i can remember i've had major issues with my body and not liking how it looked. i've never accepted any size body i've had but at least when i was thinner i dressed better.  its easy to dress better when you are thin b/c you don't have to cover a big ass or a thick middle.  it didn't have to do with having style. while i'm unhappy with my current weight - that unhappiness doesn't consume me.   

i forget what it is like to be strong......

i go through spurts with working out. i ran for awhle. i did the p90x for awhile. i belonged to the ymca and took some classes for awhile.  but mostly in those 12 years i did nothing.  it isn't until lately that i notice just how much strength i've lost.  the good thing is that i notice how much strength i've lost because i've started doing yoga - in a studio - with live teachers and not with some dvd...and the strength i am gaining shows me how much i've lost.  i used to do yoga a looooooong time ago and i really thought that a dvd was a decent replacement.  i was wrong.  the unhappiness over not being strong doesn't consume me either.  its the regaining of my strength that does.

i forget what i liked when i was between the ages of 6 and 11......

this may seem like a weird thing to be upset about forgetting - but it bothers me.  those years seem to be the magic years in one's childhood.  if you can remember what you liked to do during those ages then you can figure out the best career for yourself.  you can figure out how to relax. you can figure out what makes you happy...or so i've read.  perhaps you can figure out the meaning of life! whatever it is you can discover about yourself - i won't be one of the lucky ones able to figure it out because i can't remember much about myself during that time. 

Our sense of worth, of well-being, even our sanity depends upon our remembering. But, alas, our sense of worth, our well-being, our sanity also depend upon our forgetting.

~Joyce Appleby