happiness is..............

sitting here
in the kitchen
feeling just a little chilly
alone
watching the leaves fall from the tree
outside my door...............



it would be blissful if i was holding a mug of coffee................

quick follow-up

i am having photo and computer problems but i really wanted to let you all know what was the result of last weekend. turns out there really wasn't any real reason for my son not wanting to go to the retreat...just a strong will and an inability to change his mind (actually no desire to change his mind!) once he had made it!

he went to sunday school and everyone was talking about how much fun they had....he regretted not going - and is looking forward to the next one (sadly in 2 years now) and to being old enough to be in the youth group this year and participating in all the activities. he is also refocused on his confirmation classes and being part of that group. so all is - thankfully - well.

thank you all for taking the time to read my blog for all your comments!

pushing past the hard........

i am in a situation that i am unsure how to handle - or rather i don't know if i handled it correctly.

my son is 10 and is beginning the process to receive confirmation. he is supposed to go to a retreat tonite for all the confirmands. he came home from school adamant about not going. i told him it was mandatory. he continued to insist he wasn't going. i tried to reason with him - telling him that confirmation is about growing up and making hard adult decisions. if he really can't make this decision then he isn't' ready for confirmation. he flipped about that and said he is ready - he just doesn't want to go to this retreat. i asked him why the change b/c he was really excited about going when i first told him about it. his reason? he doesn't know anybody and it looks boring and its hard. i told him he has no problem meeting people and the purpose of this is getting to know the kids he'll spend 3 years with and that he does know them b/c they've been in his sunday school class forever. and plus the acitivites planned are fun!..............therefore that isn't a strong enough reason to back out. he wasn't changing his mind.

so i explained to him that once you start not doing something b/c its "hard" then it will get easier and easier to not do something simply b/c its hard. and that if he chooses to become that person that is fine - b/c there are millions of people out there who live their lives like that....and they are fine. but the people who succeed are those that push past the "hard".

i reminded him that it doesn't matter what person he becomes b/c we'll love and support him no matter what.

now here is the deal......

he is only 10 and much too young to know the type of person he'll be and he is too young to be expected to choose the type of person he'll become............i think

he has already quit baseball b/c it was hard - and now he wants to not do this b/c its hard........and the pattern worries me.

but again - he is only 10.............

i don't want him to quit and keep quitting...but is it too early to make that type of judgement? by quitting this - will that make him a quitter?

most importantly, i don't' want to guilt him into thinking he should be a person who doesn't quit.......b/c so what if he is......i am

yet at 41 i am constantly trying to NOT be that person............and you know parents want kids to learn from their mistakes!!!

sigh..............

so i have had my say with him. he is at soccer practice now. i am just letting it go now and not saying anything more unless he wants to talk more about it.

through all of this though i am grateful. i am blessed to have a mature (sometimes too mature) son for his age - someone i can talk to and reason with and know that he is understanding my point of view.....even when he doesn't agree with it. i am so grateful that i "have him" for 8 more years under my wing so we can continue to have these discussions....of course i hope he'll always come to me to discuss situations - but for now i know he'll be around awhile longer........

i know i don't have alot of followers - but if you are reading this - what is your advice/opinion...to me?

how are you today?

ever have a day where you just feel - giddy? like something big is coming? sorta like waiting for the big wall of water to crash over you....you wait and wait and wait - bouncing around on your heals - knowing that you are gonna get nailed and its gonna be awesome!!!

or maybe you just feel good after feeling not so good lately? you aren't feeling super high - but you sure as hell aren't feeling low..............

that's how i feel today. the sun isn't out. i have no plans other than more cleaning for today. i'm not expecting any much awaited package or a much needed mno tonite.......yet i don't mind!

i like it and i'll take it..............that is my today.

trail magic

there is no denying the magic of trails. if you have ever biked or hiked or ran or simply walked on a trail you know what i mean. it is the best form of meditation i know - clearing the mind and soothing the soul within minutes of hitting the dirt. i enjoy the different types of people on the trails - old retired couples, young moms with their children, dog walkers, horse riders, runners........all happy and smiling and eager to say hello as you pass. i am very lucky to have some beautiful trails in my surrounding area....and i've been taking advantage of them this week during my struggle to adjust to back to school season. as an added bonus the air has be crisp and the sun has been shining (well most days) ....making my trips that much better. the trails this week have truly saved me from further spiraling downward into this rut. now, while the alone time was nice and needed and greatly appreciated - it reminded me of and made me long for another thing that makes trails special...sharing them with others.

a year ago around this time my husband lost his job. budget cuts forced the university to close his department. as expected he was a mess. what helped him get through this time was a healthy dose of trail magic..........

together we would drop the kids off school and hit the trails on our bikes. those mornings were the best mornings we have ever had. not only did it clear his head and keep him focused on finding another job.......it strengthened our relationship. we laughed and talked and had alot of fun with just each other. it was a wonderful time that i cherish. he did eventually find another job and just like that - our morning rides were over.

once spring came we started up again - this time with the kids in tow. the magic is still there and even though at times its harder to feel through the whining and complaining....you push through having faith that eventually they will also feel the magic of the trails and be drawn there when they need to regroup and recharge.....and rejoice when your child turns to you and comments on the smell of the trail..........knowing it is all worth it.

before i pick up the kids from school today i am hitting the trails again...this time on foot. the sun is not shining - in fact its kinda gloomy - but it doesn't matter. i need to be with my thoughts more than i need to be with the scenery. i need the magic. i need to keep working on me in order to be there for my family.

this weekend will be beautiful and we have been talking about a family bike ride on saturday. i am sure i won't have time to be with my thoughts but that is ok. i'll have my family around me. the peace may not be there - and i'm pretty sure the quiet wont be there either. but one thing you can always count on will be there.....and that's magic.

finding my rhythm........

appears to be quite challenging for me this back to school season.

i like to ease into my mornings - wake up, have some coffee, putz around.....preferably without talking to anyone. its not that i'm not a morning person -because i really do love the early morning peace and quiet....its just that i am not a "jump out of bed and greet the morning singing" type of morning person. luckily i've been blessed with 2 boys who enjoy sleeping in - and if they do wake up early - they enjoy either snuggling in bed with me or going downstairs to quietly do something by themselves. therefore summers are the perfect season for us.

but then sometimes its not.............with the freedom of summer days comes the lack of a routine - which i don't really like...maybe not so much a strict routine - but a plan for my day. sure we had daily plans and activities that we did but nothing set in stone. i could easily make plans for the playground or a hike - but if we ended up waking up late or just didn't feel like doing it - we didn't do it.

when september comes i am thrilled! the month starts off with my birthday. there is a change in the air - chilly nites leading into crisp mornings. new smells appear - small hints of autumn...and then of course comes routine and commitments and new demands. its back to school time.

we have to get up by a certain time. i have to make breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks (which is different then the usual summer eat whenever style we have). there are after school activities and homework and papers and and and...........

i am generally an organized person - when i get a system set up - it works. but i also get easily overwhelmed...which leads me to shut down. that is where i found myself these past couple of weeks....to go from no routine to a full blown one is tough for me. i need to ease into my seasons...just as nature eases into its seasons. when a cloudless warm sunny day subtly transitions into a clear shawl wearing nite....it is good. just as when a family day of of slow but steady movements transitions into a nite of peace and calm.......it is good. but when systems collide - storms rage......that has been me lately....and the need to focus on everyone else -while ignoring my own needs - makes it worse.

my shutting down for a bit - while not so good for the family (or the house which is pretty messy right now) - is very good for me. it has forced me to reprioritize and regroup. i've eliminated unnecessary distractions and refocused on necessary ones. i am tweaking old ideas and making them relevant to now. i am planning. it is good.

i like rhythm. i like movement. i like balance. i am getting there.

i have a secret................

a secret language that is. i don't speak quenya or elven or even klingon...........i speak italian. actually i speak a dialect - and in fact, i've lost most of it.

i don't know when i first learned english. my guess is that it was when i started playing with the neighborhood kids. i'm not exactly sure how or when my mother learned to speak english. my guess is that it was also when i started playing with neighborhood kids. my father worked in countries other than italy starting at age 16 so he picked it up from there. it was difficult for all of us becoming bilingual. being the oldest child - i was now the teacher of english in our home...and that was difficult when i was learning myself! my mother often tells me the story about how i needed a notebook for school and she had no idea what that was. so every day i'd come home upset b/c once again i'd gotten in trouble by the nuns b/c i didn't have a notebook. finally my mother had to go to a neighbor's house and ask what exactly was a notebook!

i remember one particular day in school where my teacher asked me to say something in italian to the class........and i did.............and i got teased about it later. it was that moment that i stopped speaking italian.

over the years i've tried to get it back. i can make myself understood if need be. i went to visit my family in italy alone and had no problem communicating with them (and honestly - there is nothing like making people who speak another language laugh - in their own language!) i took italian in college (thinking it would be an easy A) and found that the proper italian language was much different and too confusing compared to the small town dialect that i spoke. i'm sure that if i really put my mind to it it would come back to me - but for now i know what i know.

but.........and here is where the secret comes in - i can UNDERSTAND it perfectly.

my cousins and i are all first generation americans....and we are all in the same boat - we speak little italian but understand it completely. our parents - while they can speak english - prefer speaking italian. our conversations drift in and out of both languages. english words mix with italian ones. a sentence can start in italian and end in english. a question will be asked in italian and answered in english.......i remember the day i realized that in my head i was hearing it all in english but in fact it was being spoken in italian and i marveled at the lightening quick translation skills of my mind.

none of this was a big deal until we started having friends and boyfriends and husbands over. since all of our gatherings center around a table - there are lots of conversations going on at once. the italians are good at including the americans by speaking english and if there is a heated discussion that slips into italian - it is quickly translated by someone......no harm, no foul. the italians even slip into and out of italian with each other - the men more so speak english (a product of being in the work world perhaps?) while the women tend to stay in all italian.

what i love about my secret is that it is our FAMILY secret - a secret language between my generation and our parents generation. we have used it a variety of ways - sometimes to secretly tell our moms to shut up or lay off when they are going too far in a conversation - other times to slip a comment (ok usually a jab) into a conversation - a private aside that you don't want to share with everyone....just the women present ;-)

this past weekend we were down the shore. we were all sitting around the table - my husband and i, my brother and his wife, my parents and my father's cousins. the conversation was flowing in and out of italian and english. we were all having a great time talking and laughing. at one point i sat back and realized - sadly - that once my parents generation was gone - so our secret language will disappear. my cousins and i will still be able to understand italian - but for how long? we won't speak it to each other - except for the occasional word or two that we use for comedic purposes. we won't speak it to our children b/c even though they have learned a word or two over the years - they don't speak it. i do however wonder how much they have absorbed while sitting at the table listening to us...but that's another post.

the italian language is a huge part of my life. my mother only speaks to me in italian. i like that that is something we have between us. (for whatever reason my father only speaks to me in english!) it is what separates our family from those of my friends. it gives us identity in a society where not many families have one.

i will really miss our secret language when its gone. i can't even really explain it to my children b/c how do you adequately express a feeling? an identity? a longing?

oh well - luckily i have many years before my secret is lost forever. i am so thankful that i seen the beauty of it now before its too late. who knows - maybe i will try and develop a secret language for my boys......

besides, whats the point of a secret if you can't share it...................