maybe not today........

the boys started school today. this is the first year they are both in school all day. i have been anticipating this day for weeks now - planning all the things i will be doing - telling everyone who wanted to hear (and even those who didn't) about the projects i have planned for the house and the nurturing i have planned for myself....................

so i went to bed early last nite - and woke up early today eager to start.......i actually got the boys out the door in time too! i hit starbucks for a pumpkin spice latte (a huge weakness of mine that luckily for me comes right around my birthday - and at a time i get at least one starbucks giftcard from a family member - and this year from my cousin angela) and hit the ground running..............

only to suddenly find it was time to pick them up from school
and i had a birthday dinner for my mom i needed to start cooking
and bathrooms that needed to be cleaned
and there were first day of school papers and forms to look at
and new teacher/classroom/classmates stories to hear

and
and
and................

so i put the boys to bed - cleaned up 1/2 the kitchen mess - and i'm calling it a day......or more likely a week...........

wishing you all a peaceful nite

our last hurrah!

we are making our last summer trip this weekend. next week starts school. i have many thoughts and plans about meal planning and organizing and crafting........but all that will have to wait..........for now we'll just enjoy our last unofficial weekend of summer. be back next week!

sometimes it's best to ignore the big picture and a birthday wish for me

when day to day life gets rough - when the kids are too much or the bills are too high - when gossip is hurtful and anxieties are high....the advice most often given is to not sweat the small stuff.......don't focus on tiny problems - ignore the minor irritations......it doesn't mean anything in the whole scheme of things. most times that is exactly what one needs to hear...it is just enough to get through the problem and move forward.........

over the years i've gotten pretty good at looking at the big picture. i've been able to ignore the gossip and avoid the drama....all the while knowing that the friendships that remain are the ones worth keeping. i can endure the growing pains associated w/being a child b/c i see the wonderful, independent adults they will become. i accept the day to day "failures" as a woman, mother, wife...b/c i believe that the person who will emerge is stronger than the person who entered the journey.

but lately i've noticed that in my desire to rise above - i have been overlooking what's below - the here and now.....in an effort to see the big picture - i've ignored the little things.

today is my birthday. every birthday i make a list of resolutions for myself....things i'd like to accomplish in the upcoming year....physically, mentally and spiritually. this year however - i am stuck. i can't seem to figure out what i want to focus on. now, i'm not saying i'm perfect and therefore have nothing to improve. its different. its like i don't have the desire to plan ahead to the person i want to be. instead, i want to appreciate the person i am today.

recently, i took a walk around my backyard. it is huge, weedy, neglected mess. pennsylvania has had rain - tons of rain - for most of the summer. add to that a summer filled with trips to the beach and the mountains - camping weekends - biking........and well you can imagine what the yard looks like. the pavers of my patio are filled with weeds (oh and basil which is kinda cool LOL)......the perennials are overgrown and leggy. the veggie garden......lets just say i've been getting my bounty from the local farmer's market weekly. so...... i went inside and grabbed my camera. i made the effort to overlook the mess...and focused on the little things instead. it took no time before i realized that my garden - was in fact - amazing. flowers were blooming on the vines that climbed above the weeds. butterflies had found the bushes i planted just for them. eggplants (ok - maybe it was just one) had grown and provided at least one meal for the family.

then i thought about my life - when i take the time to notice the small stuff - i find i have a greater appreciation for the big picture.......when the boys squabble - they are simply defining their place in society and what a better place to do that then in a safe environment where they are free to rise and fall and reestablish! when i stop to capture a snapshot - physically w/a camera or mentally w/an image - i am creating a memory that is crisp and clear and more powerful of a time or situation - then if i just sorta noticed and vaguely remembered a time shot through the fuzzy lens of someone in a rush to see the future while ignoring the present........

so what is my birthday wish? continue in the present...take the snapshots...make the memories crisper.......that is the greatest gift i can give myself.

one year ago............omega

i am cheating with my blog post today. i have decided to simply cut and paste an email i sent to my friend last year around this time. i was turning forty and the only thing i wanted for my birthday was a weekend away - alone - for the first time EVER in my life. the place i chose to spend my weekend was the omega institute in upstate new york. the experience for me was powerful and amazing and everything i had hoped it would be. i have saved this email in my draft folder for a whole year - all the while afraid that one day it would be lost. i am happy that now it won't be lost.

original email written sept 8th, 2008.

ok - this was a truly amazing weekend.......i will give you the info in painstaken detail......

basically i had workshops friday nite - sat and sunday morning. when i didn't have class i was free to do whatever i wanted - and take any of the optional classes like yoga, tai chi or dance/movement. so when i got there friday i was having the hardest time relaxing - i thought that once i drove away from home - and had all this time to myself - i would just melt into this state of bliss....but i just didn't get that sense at all. in fact it was the opposite. i wasn't feeling guilty about leaving or anything like that - i don't know what i was feeling. so then i was mad about that - and anxious - like i had wasted all this money and it wasn't what i had hoped it would be b/c why wasn't i feeling light and stressfree???......







i had time before dinner on the first night so i went down to the lake and walked around (you can take out boats or lie on the hammocks or swim....whatever you want to do) nothing - still tense - i felt stagnant and i decided i needed to get some energy work done - there was nothing available all weekend. i wrote a bit in my journal but even that was hard - it was choppy and angry. i tried "meditating" so i sat quietly and still nothing...i realized that all the times i was home and thought i was "relaxing" in fact i really wasn't...i was just not doing the housework or thinking ab0ut doing the housework.......it was just a state of "not doing" the chores i "had" to do...kwim? i thought i was relaxed simply b/c i wasn't annoyed or overwelmed with some chore!! it wasn't until i got there and had absolutely no agenda - no housework - no chores - no planning.......did i realize i don't truly relax........then i got all tense again b/c i made this realization (probably just the emotions bubbling up about it LOL)

so i go to dinner and just wanted to be alone - not talk to anyone.......but of course people talk to you so i was polite but i just wanted to be alone. i was getting annoyed - like shut the fuck up....i was even writing and looking purposefully unavailable.....but nope they still talked LOL...i didn't linger long at the tables......lol

there was orientation at 7:30 then class started at 8-10. we were all sitting in a half circle - in these chairs.. ...and i felt so confined - being so close to these people. now i'm not shy but i felt trapped........told the guy next to me and we both asked the leaders if we could just sit on the floor.......and we all did. anyway - they start class and i realize it is all about living green and helping the environment.........now i am REALLY annoyed and tense b/c had i known that was what this weekend was all about i would not have signed up for it!!!........it was pretty basic stuff too.......like using cloth instead of paper towels and not using plastic bottles.....meanwhile i have my KK bottle in hand (and a huge part of the "info" was about using klean kanteens! .......so my stress was getting higher!!! i mean i was really pissed b/c this was granola 101 and i've graduated from that program years ago!!!!!! but i decided that i would just be open and maybe i'd learn something new......oh and it is HOT - every building is stifling - my room was hot - i was just sweating and sweating....it was so stuffy.........after class i walk around a bit - go to the cafe and bookstore - library...stuff like that. then go to bed and that's that.

oh - i had this bloated - full feeling in my stomach.....just felt soooooo stuck....like a boulder was in my gut.....it wasn't food so much - just a huge knot of tension..............i guess

saturday - i get up early to take a tai chi class. i don't know what was wrong with me but we start and the god awful heat of the day (even though it was only 7am!) - plus the stifling room - i almost faint and have to leave............so i'm pissed........i go to breakfast - again get stuck with people who want to talk.......go to class.....things start to look up - besides being taught MORE info i already know plus a plug from both leaders about other workshops/lectures/cds they have (roll eyes)......we do an hour of yoga and relaxation - that was great and finally started to loosen me up.....i go to lunch - start actually talking a bit - then decide to go exploring more.


i hit the sanctuary (which is a beautiful place up a steep hill...there are stone steps and different levels of ponds and water features and buddha statues......the inside of the sanctuary is filled with different cushions and chairs and an alter in the front....this is where you go to just sit and meditate) i am tense in the sanctuary b/c i just don't know how to meditate and i am frustrated! i kinda sit and just slump - pretending to know what i am doing. i am also mad at myself b/c i am sitting there thinking "i wonder if anyone will walk in and see me meditating! i am sooo cool!!".......and that side of me is soooo frustrating......i then go to the lake and lie on a hammock to read and write and draw.......and it starts to rain..........and it doesnt stop the whole day and nite LOL.......i just walked and walked in the rain. i really enjoyed that b/c i never get to just walk in the rain.....usually i have the boys and they are running for cover - or everyone is just running to avoid getting wet......i just let myself walk slowly in the rain.......and let me tell you i was literally soaked. i mean it was HOURS of walking outside in the rain (the place is set up like a college campus) i would get into a building to dry off for a second - just to walk out and be drenced again - it was pouring!!!

so i have our afternoon session and suddenly things started to get better - we had the same lame info - but we did a movement/dance part and i was blown away. literally it is just putting music on and letting yourself go - close your eyes and who cares what others think...just feeling the music and moving to it. i loved it so much that when the workshop ended for the nite i stayed to take an actual dance/movement class and THAT was an unbelievable experience. the music was LOUD - the lights were off - it was HOT in the building - the windows were open with the sound of rain pounding - i was sweating - my hair was soaked.....and i was moving - it was not a "taught" class - it was just a loosely "guided" class - the music was eclectic - from all around the world and different speeds and there was tribal music and we were yelling and stomping and pounding and the energy was out of this world........that class really made me realize how important music and feeling the music is to me - and how i have totally stifled myself over the years - always holding back b/c i felt fat and heavy and awkward......but this was freeing!!! i remember thinking that i was soo glad i was alone b/c i don't know if i could have been that free with friends around....kwim? noone knew me and they only saw the passion and the freedom.......they didn't care that i didn't look or move like a "trained" dancer - they only saw and felt the energy of my dancing.

then i went to dinner - and this time i talked to people too!! i didn't leave early or look unavailable.....i was open!! and i was drenched from the rain !!! and i met some pretty incredible people.

that nite there was a concert at 8pm.... www.soulfege.com ...they call themselves afropolitan - they are reggae, hip-hop, rap.......but they rocked the place! i was still on my high from the movement class and just danced without any inhibition!!! but i had to leave at 8:30 to have my aura photographed but thank god it only took 25 minutes and i was back to rocking at the concert. oh - the aura thing was so neat - she analyzed it and a bunch of stuff really stood out as being true or being things i had heard about myself before...but one was my need to be acknowledged and be paid attention too...and it wasn't a positive thing...and how when meditating i wanted to be noticed meditating........kwim?? i knew that side of me before and i knew i wanted to work on it but then to see it in my aura floored me......but the good thing was that my aura also showed my currently trying to heal myself and how it was a positive experience.....again that fits totally with my needing to soul search and my going to omega etc........afterwards i went to the cafe-bookstore again - had an icecream and went to bed......again - i was so absolutely soaked to my core that i just wanted a shower and dry clothes and that was it

sunday morning i took a yoga class down by the river.........the leader was amazing. it was a very moving experience - it just reminded me of how much i loved taking yoga before i had kids.....i've done videos here and there since then and tried other stuff like pilates........but nothing compares to yoga....b/c its just not the physical part of it...it was like my entire spirit and soul was reminded of how young and free i am (or can be!) regardless of what my age and body say........i need to do it more - but where? when? ugh......

by this time the heaviness in the pit of my stomach is gone - i am much looser and relaxed and am finally enjoying conversations with people again.........so i go to breakfast - the thought that i wasted all this money on workshops telling me shit i already know is still lingering in the back of my mind........i was loving the extra non-workshop stuff - like the yoga and dance/movement etc....but the workshop info....no.......and of course i talk to someone at breakfast that said i could have switched to another workshop (i didn't know that!!) and that i should just go to another class that day (my last day) but i felt compelled to go to my last class.........and thank god i did b/c it was all about meditation! we meditated all morning - trying new techniques and finding what was the best way for me - we talked about setting up a meditation space - we did a walking meditation up the sanctuary - meditated in there just for a few minutes - then did a different ki nd walking back.......we learned breathing techniques to relax us and to rejuvenate and wake us up........i was sooo thankful i stuck it out..........i literally floated out of there to lunch - and then went home. i had music blaring (soulfege cd i bought and angelique kidjo who is amazing) - i was floating from the weekend and the experience! i didn't even care that my gps led me through new york city to come home! LOL

it was just the experience i wanted!!! i went through this type of soul searching when i turned 30. i thought i still was at the place i was then - when i felt so light and free afterwards. i was so wrong. this place/experience just reminded me of how wonderful i felt before and how its a life long process that needs to be nurtured all the time.......i am just not waiting 10 years again to do it.............

and there it is. this past weekend i found myself driving in the car to our mountain home and had soulfege playing in the car - and immediately i was transported back to omega. that is when i decided to write this post...i needed to remember - to be transported back to this place.


i turn 41 on thursday. i told my husband this past weekend that i want to make omega an every 5 year experience. i need that experience to remind me that growing and soul searching is not something that is done once in a lifetime - but that it is on-going and important and needs to be made a priority in my life....i am grateful that i had that experience a year ago...and that the lessons i've learned that weekend - i am still learning from today...........

more than just tomatoes...........

ever since i was a little girl i remember the end of august was the time my parents made the trip to jersey to get baskets of tomatoes for canning. my mom would come home - a couple of her cousins would come over - and they would start their day and the long hot process of washing, cooking and canning.......

i used to love her set up. 30 years ago it was a simple one....a couple of pots on the stove only large enough to cook the tomatoes in small batches.......a simple hand cranked machine bolted to a table used to separate the seeds and skin from the sauce...aprons and head scarves to keep our clothes clean and our hair on our heads. all the work was done inside our basement - and for days the smell of cooked tomatoes would linger in our homes, our hair, our clothes.

the set up has evolved over the years. the simple hand crank was replaced with a motorized version - perfect for not only cutting canning time in half but also for increasing the chances of being hit with scalding hot splats of sauce....which i quickly got used to and accepted as something that just came with the job.

commercial sized pots and propane burners replaced the stovetop - an outside sink was added that allowed us to move the whole, messy process outside.

as i grew, my duties changed over the years. at first it was my job to switch out the scraps bucket as it filled - a bucket full of skins and seeds that was dumped into the chicken coop - a special yearly treat for them. as i got older i was allowed to scrape the pulp from the strainer as the sauce poured into the pots. this may sound simple - but it was tricky. i had to be quick and out of the way - careful not to disturb the rhythm of the older women who were very busy scooping and straining and filling jars. i remember being so proud of the year i was allowed to ladle the cooked tomatoes from the pots on the stove and carefully maneuver them into the wide mouth of the funnel with one hand - while using my free hand to plunge them deep into the strainer hole with the wooden mallet.

right around the time i reached this milestone - i also reached another one.......i became a teenager........and the idea of spending hours with my mother, performing a duty i thought was stupid and old fashioned was not my idea of fun...........so i made myself unavailable..........for years.......

eventually i got married, had a family and began helping again....this time with a new appreciation for this age old process. at 30 i was "old enough" to do it all - cook, scoop, scrape and...gasp...handle the hot jars filled with sauce.

as the amount of baskets decreased, the amount of people helping did as well. soon it was just me and my mom....alone. i performed my duties grudgingly...she needed help and it was my responsibility to help her. our relationship was strained - well, my relationship with her was strained. i spent most of my life hating her. i couldn't understand her - didn't want to understand her struggles, her life. i didn't think she was wise and strong....i thought she was weak and stupid........

then things changed - *i* changed. i started to see her for the woman she was - the young immigrant woman who left her country with the man she married...a woman who raised 2 young children in a country where she couldn't speak the language. she had strength and wisdom. she was my mother.

the past couple of years i have looked forward to the canning season. it is no longer a duty but instead one i cherish. a time i know will one day be taken away from me. my mother shares stories about her relationship with her mother. we exchange wisdoms - one filled with life experience - the other with new.

this year we only canned 65 jars. by the time i got to her house to help she was half way done them. i only had a few hours of our precious time together and i was surprised at how disappointed i was about that. although we see each other a lot we are rarely alone together. next year, however, i will plan ahead - i will get up early and meet her in the early hours of the day. our time together is about more than just tomatoes...and i will do whatever it takes to "can" those moments so i can keep them forever in my heart.

why blog? why now?

i remember when i first heard about blogs. at the time i could not imagine having something to write about that would be interesting enough to be read by others. therefore, i didn't give blogging another thought.......until recently. don't get me wrong - i don't think i now have anything interesting to write about - instead - what i have developed is a love of writing.

a couple years ago some friends and i took a very informal writing class. our writings stemmed from a variety of prompts given to us from our "teacher"...a term i use loosely here b/c really i don't think she was educated as a writer herself. she would say things like "red" or "i remember" and off we'd go. these "prompted" writings led to journaling which i would do quite regularly at times - and other times quite sporadically...but nevertheless - i'd find myself yearning to journal and really missing the times i didn't "find" the time to sit alone and write.

i have a close friend that i write to daily. most of our emails are silly. others are not. we can get pretty deep on a variety of topics - family, our kids, parenting, self worth...so on and so on. many times we've jokingly said that we should have our own website so that we could keep our emails forever b/c quite frankly we had alot of good stuff in them. lately our thoughts turned to blogging.

right around that time i stumbled upon some blogs that i really enjoy reading....from some pretty interesting women. besides the wonderful writings - i was struck by the photos that accompanied each post. photography is not something i've studied - but it is something i've really begun noticing lately. i have a simple digital camera that i use - nothing fancy. i upload and save on my harddrive. i've started making photobooks of the usual stuff - vacations, my kids...........but there are pictures that i take specifically to coincide with a thought or feeling in my head - that don't fit the categories of my photobooks..........

so - combine my love of writing - specifically journaling - and add to it my newfound love of phototaking...........and voila - i got the ingredients of a blog! it also helped cure a problem i had of having one too many journals going at one time. i love notebooks. i buy them whenever i go into a store. i buy whatever catches my eye - simple hello kitty ones to beautiful moleskin ones. each journal has a specific purpose. it is hard keeping them all straight - they never seem to be filled either....and they never seem to have a picture included with them. having an online journal keeps all my writings in one place and my accompianing photos. its perfect.

who is my audience? who knows. in my mind- i am writing to a large crowd of blogging peers...super hip women who love taking a picture - and adding words to it. women who don't want to bitch about kids or husbands - but instead want to capture beauty and share it.

in actuality - i am just writing to cindy - who is the only one who knows about my blog - and is probably the only one reading it.

and as for yak? that was my nickname in highschool............

Changing course

when i first started this blog - my intentions were different. i wanted to change my ways - i wanted to eat better, cook better, parent better. i am constantly striving to be "better"...and while trying to grow as a person isn't a bad thing....its not what i was doing.

what i am doing is looking at my life the wrong way. i have a wonderful life. i have 2 amazing boys, a wonderful husband, a comfortable lifestyle. i am blessed with good health and friendships with some of the wisest women around. so instead of trying to improve what i am doing - i should just see - and i mean REALLY see - the beauty in what i already have. focusing on the positive creates more positives.

so that is my goal with this blog - posting the positives. that isn't to say there won't be negative days - there will be - and those days aren't bad. they are learning experiences that i will cherish....and use as such. they just won't define me.